


Welcome to the Human Race

by ShowMeAHero



Series: Swing Life Away [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Adopted Children, Children, Domestic, Domestic Avengers, Domestic Fluff, Family, Fluff, Humor, Kid Fic, M/M, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-09 02:40:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11659923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShowMeAHero/pseuds/ShowMeAHero
Summary: Courtesy of Thor, Steve and Bucky get to add one more jewel to their collection. Mud, lightning, and seeds are inexplicably involved.





	Welcome to the Human Race

**Author's Note:**

> Damn. Guess I'm back at it, y'all.
> 
> Title taken from ["Mr. Blue Sky"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7dTBoW5H9k) by Electric Light Orchestra.

The sound of a clap of thunder followed by a strike of lightning was not an unfamiliar one, but it was a very welcome one. Thor had vanished for some time - citing universal paradoxes and timeline distortion, which Bucky had not questioned - and as such, nobody had seen or heard from him since February, save Bruce, who got postcards. Since it was now November, Bucky had been dealing with quite a few questions as to Thor’s whereabouts, mostly from Sarah. He arrived outside the compound at the site of the lightning strike, and Sarah bolted out the doors before Bucky could catch her, getting soaked on her way to her pseudo-uncle.

“Uncle Thor!” she screamed over the sound of the thunder, and Bucky had to stop in the doorway, Seamus clinging tight to his back and making fearful sounds at the rain. Thor swept Sarah up in his arms and covered her with his shirt as he strode into the Avengers compound.

“Hello, my child,” he greeted her, and she hugged him tightly. Bucky held the door open and let Thor shake off like a dog inside. “And, hello, Bucky!”

“Hi, Thor,” Bucky said, setting Seamus down so he could sprint at Thor’s ankles. Dual screams from the entryway to the room only gave a second’s notice to Maggie and Winnie tackling Thor at the knees. He went down in a typically over-dramatic fashion and let the four children scale him.

“Who are these young adults? Where are the children I left behind?” Thor asked, and Sarah sat up on his chest.

“It’s still us!” she exclaimed, and Thor knocked her onto the ground. Bucky just watched as she squealed and climbed back up.

“Looks like you’ve got this handled,” Bruce said from the doorway. Tony ducked under his arm to offer Thor a hand up, which he took, four children still dangling off of him.

“I see you’ve already met with the greeting committee,” Clint commented. Winnie abandoned Thor to sprint to his side, clinging to his leg. Clint hefted her up onto his shoulder. “Jesus Christ, kid, you weigh a ton.”

“No, I don’t,” Winnie said, moments before she shoved her shirt collar in her mouth. Bucky leaned over and tugged it out.

“To what do we owe the pleasure?” Natasha asked, sprawling on the sofa. Thor spread his arms wide, Sarah dangling off his elbow.

“I missed my favorite coworkers,” Thor said. Maggie finally reached his neck and screamed in delight as he settled her on his shoulders.

“Is this just a job for you?” Peter asked, heading straight for the kitchen area. “Because, man, this is like a family to me, and I just-”

“You’re still here!” Thor exclaimed. “Good for you. I was expecting you might have died by now.” He turned to Bucky. “He didn’t die!”

“You thought I would die?” Peter asked, at the same time Bucky said, “I told you, he’s pretty tough.” Tony laughed.

“Where is the rest of our family?” Thor asked loudly, ignoring Peter. He clapped a hand on Bucky’s shoulder. “Where is my shieldbrother?”

“Steve? Getting groceries,” Bucky told him. Wanda wandered in, Vision only a step behind her. Pietro circled around unnaturally quickly; Bucky looked away, slightly dizzy, as was typical when Pietro entered a room. “Otherwise, I think… We haven’t seen Strange in a little while. And, otherwise, I mean, Scott’s at home. Rhodey’s at home. ”

“This is our home!” Thor boomed.

“You don’t live here,” Bruce reminded him.

“Uncle Sam’s with Daddy,” Sarah informed Thor.

“I miss our bird-man!” Thor said. He leaned down and let the children climb off of him. “What has happened since I left?”

“Birthdays!” Maggie exclaimed. “I turned three. Papa turned _one hundred_.”

Thor whirled around. “You did not.”

Bucky hesitated, then said, “I did.”

Thor clapped Bucky on the shoulder so hard his teeth rattled. “Oh, then, I have got a gift for you. You’ll like it, people always like my gifts.” He looked around at the four children. “You’ll definitely like it. Have you got Steve’s DNA?”

“Excuse me?” Bucky said, and Thor headed for the bathroom.

“A hairbrush? Skin from his mouth? His saliva? Perhaps blood or semen?” Thor asked, poking around the bathroom door.

“Papa, what’s semen?” Sarah asked, and Peter choked on his glass of apple juice.

“It’s a word Thor made up,” Bucky told her. “It’s Asgardian. You’ll understand when you’re older.”

“Fatherhood suits you,” Bruce commented.

“Aha!” Thor crowed, exiting the bathroom. “Is this his?” A blue hairbrush.

“Yeah,” Bucky said. “Why?”

“I have to create my gift!” Thor told him. “I can’t believe you forgot to tell me you celebrated your first centennial. This is usually a time of great celebration in Asgard. When was your birthday?”

“March 10th,” Bucky told him, watching as Thor strode back outside and leapt up, vanishing for a brief moment. He returned only seconds later, holding his brother by the elbow.

“What are you _doing,_ ” Loki demanded, as Thor dragged him inside bodily. “Why are we here?”

“It is Bucky Barnes’ centennial year,” Thor informed him. He found a metal dish in the kitchen and dropped torn chunks of the hairbrush into it. Bucky pulled out his phone and texted Steve to pick up a hairbrush for himself on his way back. “I wish to gift him with the _barn fœða laun_. Can you help?”

Loki scoffed. “Of course I can help. I learned this centuries ago.” He dug into the inside pockets of his overcoat while Sarah tentatively approached him. Bucky fought back the urge to yank her back. Upon noticing everyone’s eyes around the height of his knees, Loki glanced down at her. “Oh. Hello.”

“Hi,” Sarah said. Maggie crept up behind her. Winnie hid her face in Clint’s neck.

“You are…?” Loki trailed off. Sarah glanced at Bucky, then back at Loki.

“Sarah,” she told him. He leaned down and offered Sarah his hand. She took it and shook.

“I’m Loki,” he told her. “Brother of Thor. _Ruler_ of-”

“So, you’re my uncle, too?” Sarah interrupted.

“Sarah,” Bucky said, “we don’t interrupt. Right?”

“Right,” Sarah said, turning back to Loki. “Sorry, Uncle Loki.”

Tony snorted behind his hand.

“All is forgiven,” Loki assured her. He released her hand. “Would you like to see our ceremony? It’s a gift for your… father.”

“For Papa?” Sarah asked. “Because he’s old?”

“ _Hey,_ ” Bucky said sharply, but Thor laughed over him.

“Yes,” Thor told her. “Because he is very, very old.” He slipped his large hand into a pair of scissors.

“What are you doing with those?” Bucky asked, and Thor took a step towards him. Bucky held up his free hand, Seamus clinging to him from the other arm. “What the hell.”

“I need yours, as well,” Thor told him. He held up the scissors and gestured towards Bucky’s hair. “I won’t take much.”

“It’s for the gift,” Loki assured him, finally unearthing a couple of weird-looking jewels from his inner pockets and dumping them into the bowl. He turned in a circle, searching the room. “Do you have any mud?”

“Mud?” Tony asked incredulously. Peter sprinted outside and returned with a handful of wet mud.

“Got it,” he told Loki, more than happy to help, and Loki took it, picked out random clumps, and dropped them into the bowl with a squelching sound. He handed the remnants back to Peter, who stared down at his own dirty palm, baffled.

Thor clipped out a piece of Bucky’s hair once his guard was down and dumped it in with Steve’s hair, the jewels, and the mud. Loki was cupping his hands under the faucet in the kitchen and scooping warm water into the bowl.

“Thor, please strike the bowl,” Loki instructed, apparently satisfied with the quantity of warm water, and Thor brought the bowl outside, raised it above his head, and struck it with lightning. Returning inside, he gave the bowl to Loki, who took out a hard, segmented box from a bag saddled to his side. Opening it, he pulled out several small leather satchels.

“Which are these?” Thor asked, kneeling beside him, and Loki tugged open one of the bags.

“Have you got marbles in there?” Maggie asked, and Loki shook his head.

“No,” Loki told her. He turned to Bucky. “Steve Rogers was a sickly man before he became immortal, was he not?”

“I don’t know if he’s immortal,” Bucky said. “But, yeah. He was sick all the time.”

Loki hummed to himself and reached into the bag. “Caraway, then,” he informed Thor, dumping the thin seeds into the bowl. He searched through the other bags and removed another one, opening it and taking out a handful of brown seeds. “Anise.” Another bag, another handful, this time of something green and leafy, followed by a tan powder. “Coriander. Just to be safe.” He sealed up the bags, then reached his empty hand into the air. “Thor, please.”

Thor shut his eyes and suddenly Loki’s hands were filled with a white mist, which descended into the bowl when he spread his fingers.

“Moonlight,” Loki explained, and it shone from the bowl. “Now, sunlight. Interesting.”

“Interesting?” Bucky asked. Loki waved to Wanda.

“The lights, please, miss,” Loki asked, and Wanda flicked the lights off. He pulled Thor’s hands close and sealed their four collective hands over the metal bowl. He started reciting something in Asgardian, and Thor remembered whatever he was saying quickly and started following along, reciting with him. The bowl splintered; the sunlight shone through the cracks. All Bucky could think, distantly, as he held Seamus tightly and watched his daughters as they crowded around Thor and Loki, was that he forgot to set _Game of Thrones_ to record, because he had no idea they’d be getting visitors, let alone visitors that would perform some Asgardian ritual on the Avengers’ coffee table.

Loki and Thor finished whatever chant or speech or whatever it was, and both plunged their hands into the bowl. Green and gold light shot out from Loki’s hands, illuminating the room. As the bowl dissipated and vanished into thin air, someone started screaming and crying. Bucky lifted Seamus up, but he was dry-eyed, staring at Bucky with complete bafflement. Bucky turned back to the girls, all of whom were silent, staring at Loki with wide eyes as he dropped his hands and let Thor deal with whatever had come out of the bowl. Loki motioned to Wanda, who flipped the lights back on; Bucky blinked harshly as Thor approached him, holding whatever the weird-ass gift was in the crook of his arm.

“Please, if you would put Seamus down,” Thor said, and Bucky passed Seamus off to Tony, who backed off quickly. “And hold out your hands.” Bucky hesitated, then stretched his arms out, one flesh and one metal. He was acutely aware of everyone’s eyes on him, of Sarah, Winnie, and Maggie standing around his legs, staring straight up at him. Thor placed whatever it was into Bucky’s hands, and it took him a second to reconcile what he had been expecting - some blessing, maybe, or a cool vase - with what was in his hands.

“Is this a baby?” Bucky asked, and Thor grinned.

“It is a traditional centennial gift in several realms!” Thor informed him. “As you have chosen to already bear four children, I assumed it was a hobby or special interest of yours. Are you pleased?”

Bucky stared openly at the newborn in his arms. The kid was muddy and wet, and staring right back at Bucky with unfocused blue eyes. He had only cried the one time; now he was onto the creepy staring.

“Holy shit,” Bucky breathed. “Steve is never going to fucking believe this.”

“Steve is never going to fucking believe what?” the aforementioned Steve asked from the doorway. Bucky was still mostly hidden behind Thor, who turned around with a big-ass smile. Sarah was tugging on Bucky’s shirt, but Bucky couldn’t find it in himself to look away from the child, who apparently didn’t blink at all, all huge blue eyes and muddy blonde hair.

He looked a hell of a lot like Steve, actually.

“I heard it was Bucky’s centennial!” Thor exclaimed, and Bucky could hear Steve putting the groceries down, Sam following in behind him.

“Shit, is that Loki?” Sam commented. Bucky could hear Loki getting to his feet.

“It is,” Loki told him. “If I’m no longer needed, however, I will be on my way. Thor, it has been pleasant.” He leaned around Thor to look at Bucky. “Please, if you need help… Consider how badly you need it before you call.” He stepped back outside into the rain and vanished in a spark and crackle of green magic.

“What was Loki doing here?” Steve asked. Bucky could hear the rustling of their canvas grocery bags.

“He came to help me create Bucky’s centennial gift,” Thor informed him. “I must confess, I am not so good at it on my own.”

“That’s nice,” Steve said. “What was the gift?”

Thor stepped aside, presenting Bucky, who had not moved, and was still holding the silent newborn in his palms at arm’s length. Steve looked up at him, smiling, but his whole expression shifted when he actually zeroed in on the kid, brow furrowing, mouth opening.

“Uh,” he said, eloquently.

“You’ve _got_ to be shitting me,” Sam commented, which apparently broke the spell over the whole room.

“Oh, my God, that was _so intense_ ,” Peter breathed, hands still muddy when he pushed them through his hair. “I’ve never seen anything like that. Does stuff like that happen a lot here?”

“No,” Tony told him. Seamus muttered something to him. “No, you’re right. Kind of.”

“ _This_ has never happened before,” Clint allowed.

“But if it had,” Natasha commented, “of course it would happen to them.”

Steve was still openly staring. He dropped the tin of coffee in his hands to approach Bucky, still staring at the infant.

“Daddy?” Sarah asked, and Steve looked down at her, still looking shell-shocked and confused.

“Yeah, baby?” he said, and she leaned in.

“What is it?” she asked. Steve looked up at Bucky.

“Baby,” Bucky said. Steve nodded.

“Yeah,” Steve said. “Baby.”

“Well, congrats, I guess?” Clint said.

“This is the _last one,_ ” Bucky said firmly, and Steve laughed, finally snapping out of the dumb stupor he had entered.

“You said that last time,” Steve said. Bucky pulled the baby in closer to his chest, cradling it like he had Seamus not too long ago, and his sisters before him. “How the hell did this happen?”

“It’s a gift,” Sarah piped up. Steve glanced down at her.

“A gift?”

“A gift!” Thor agreed. “The two of you collect children. I figured you might enjoy another.”

Steve huffed a laugh. “‘Collect.’ I _collect_ ship models. Bucky _collects_ novelty plates-”

“-Unbelievable-”

“Nobody _collects_ children.” Steve reached out and Bucky handed the kid over to him. Only a second passed before Steve smiled. “They’re very cute, though.”

“ _Damn it,_ ” Bucky said emphatically. Steve lifted the baby gently, cradling their head. “He’s a boy.”

“Another boy,” Steve said softly. “You can name him. I named Seamus.”

“Unbelievable,” Bucky repeated. He looked down over Steve’s shoulder at the kid. “God, he looks like you.”

“Too bad,” Steve joked, and Bucky jostled him.

“You’re hilarious,” he said dryly, still watching the baby. “Milosh.”

“Bless you.”

“No, for a name,” he said. “Milosh.”

Steve raised an eyebrow at him, then looked down at the kid. “Alright. Sounds good.”

“Do you like it?”

“Sure.”

“ _Steve._ ”

“It’s a good name!”

“A strong name!” Thor agreed. He clapped Bucky on the shoulder. “Happy birthday, Bucky.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out Asgardian coins and handed them over. “Here’s another gift. Smaller one. But, still, you hold onto those. You could sell them. People love me.”

“Okay, Thor,” Bucky said, smiling as he pocketed them. Sarah took one from his pocket and showed it to Maggie and Winnie. Seamus whined to get down, and Tony nearly dropped him in his haste to set him down before he jumped. “Thanks for the gifts.”

“Anytime!” Thor exclaimed. He looked around, then sat on the sofa. “What’s for supper, then?”

Steve stared at him, then laughed. “I was going to make turkey sandwiches with the leftovers from Thanksgiving.”

“Most excellent,” Thor said, letting Maggie climb up his arm. “Let me know when it’s done.”

Bucky took Milosh back from Steve when Steve turned to make dinner, still a little shocked. He stared down at the boy, who only stared back. “Should we take him to a hospital or something? Instead of eating sandwiches?”

“Why?” Thor said. “He’s perfect. Loki made sure.”

“Steve was nearly born dead,” Bucky commented. “What if this kid’s sick?”

“He put in caraway, anise, _and_ coriander,” Thor reminded him, like he was being thick. “He’s fine.”

“Yeah, he put seeds in, Barnes,” Tony said. “Can’t get healthier than being made of seeds and magic from another goddamn realm.”

“They put _sunlight_ in him,” Bucky said emphatically.

“Moonlight, originally,” Thor corrected. “Not sure why it changed.”

“Moonlight _is_ sunlight, isn’t it?” Clint asked. Vision looked up from the Tupperware container of mashed potatoes he was opening.

“Moonlight consists primarily of reflected sunlight, but also contains earthlight and starlight,” he told them, “and is nearly one million times fainter than the direct light of the sun. To be precise-”

“No need,” Tony interrupted. “That’s good.”

“We _don’t interrupt_ , Uncle Tony,” Sarah scolded, not looking up from her Asgardian coin. Tony held his hands up.

“Sorry. My bad, tiny,” Tony said, and Sarah looked up to glare at him.

“I’m _not tiny_ ,” she spat, and Steve beckoned her over to ruffle her hair.

“Good girl, stand up for yourself,” Steve said, and Bucky scoffed.

“She’s more like you than he is,” Bucky commented, motioning to Milosh, still silent and muddy in Bucky’s arms. “I’m going to go… clean him up, I guess.”

Steve nodded, still smiling, and motioned to Bruce for him to follow them. Bucky wanted to wipe that smug kid-loving look off his face. He wasn’t even _surprised_ anymore. If one thing should have surprised him, it would be coming home from grocery shopping to find your husband holding a magically-created baby summoned from another realm and made of grass and sunlight or whatever. And yet, Steve was just smiling away, reheating Thanksgiving turkey like this happened all the goddamn time.

Whatever. Bucky dug Seamus’ newborn tub sling out of their storage room and set it up on the bathroom counter, filling it with warm water while Bruce held Milosh and the both of them watched him work.

“How’s he look, doc?” Bucky asked, testing the water temperature with his flesh hand before taking Milosh and settling him in. The kid still didn’t cry. Eerie.

“Perfectly healthy, to be honest,” Bruce told him. He leaned against the counter to watch as Bucky gingerly sponged the mud off of the baby. “I’d like to run some more tests, both to check on his health and see what, exactly, he is actually made of, because he looks like a normal baby but I don’t think there’s any studies on anything quite like we just saw.”

“Of course,” Bucky said. “Why make it easy?”

Bruce grinned. “We can still take him to the hospital.”

“Oh, we will,” Bucky replied. “Just because everyone else is insane doesn’t mean I’m not taking this goddamn golem to a hospital like a good parent.” He used a cotton swab to gently clean the mud out of Milosh’s ears. “He is cute, though.”

“He is,” Bruce agreed. “Congrats.”

“Tell everyone we’re done collecting,” Bucky said. “We have the set. I’m done.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Bruce said. He straightened up and looked Milosh over one last time before saying, “Well, I’ll go back out and help with dinner. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Can do,” Bucky said, and Bruce was already gone. He turned back to Milosh who kept staring up at him. His big blue eyes glistened, and he shuffled slightly. Bucky carefully poured a cup of warm water over the top of his head.

“Well,” Bucky said. “Guess it’s just you and me now.”

Milosh didn’t respond.

“Me, too,” Bucky said. He pushed the baby’s blonde hair away from his face. “God, you look so much like Steve. Except-”

“Your eyes,” Steve commented, and Bucky nearly punched him in the face.

“Jesus Christ, don’t scare me,” Bucky snapped, and Steve kissed his temple before leaning in to take the cup from Bucky and finish rinsing the soap out of Milosh’s hair.

“I’m right, though,” Steve said, like Bucky hadn’t even spoken. “His eyes are yours.” Steve looked at Milosh, running his thumb over the baby’s cheeks, down to his soft lips. “He looks like you.”

“Weird,” Bucky said. Steve turned around and kissed him again. “I mean it. Last one.”

“We’ll see,” Steve said, tossing Bucky the biggest towel he could find. “Dry him. It’s dinner time.”

“ _You_ dry him,” Bucky shot back, already drying him.

“I’ll never get tired of seeing you with a baby,” Steve murmured, dumping the tub water down the sink. Bucky flicked water at him, and Steve grinned.

“Get over it,” Bucky said, and Steve laughed.

**Author's Note:**

> This is (probably) it for adding kids, I swear. I just wanted to get them all in there before I started diving deeper into the Joys of Parenthood.
> 
> Also, here's a handy chart to keep track of them all:
> 
>  **Sarah Fay Natalia Barnes-Rogers**  
>  \- nickname: Sarah  
> \- birthday: January 12th, 2009  
> \- appearance: hearing aid, white, dark brown hair, blue eyes  
> \- personality: intelligent, indoor kid
> 
>  **Winifred Brooklyn Barnes-Rogers**  
>  \- nickname: Winnie  
> \- birthday: April 4th, 2014  
> \- appearance: bronze-tan skin, black hair, dark brown eyes  
> \- personality: shy, reserved
> 
>  **Margaret Rebecca Barnes-Rogers**  
>  \- nickname: Maggie  
> \- birthday: April 4th, 2014  
> \- appearance: bronze-tan skin, black hair, dark brown eyes  
> \- personality: brazen, rulebreaker
> 
>  **Seamus Samuel Grant Barnes-Rogers**  
>  \- nickname: Shay  
> \- birthday: June 19th, 2015  
> \- appearance: tan skin, black hair, dark brown eyes  
> \- personality: avant-garde scientist
> 
>  **Milosh George Joseph Barnes-Rogers**  
>  \- nickname: Milo  
> \- birthday: November 27th, 2017  
> \- appearance: white, dark blonde hair, blue eyes  
> \- personality: gentle boy, loves animals
> 
> Stay tuned for the continuing adventures!
> 
> Also, God, the Thor specials have made me love him now that he's a developed and interesting character. Dude cracks me up.
> 
> My rough translation for _"barn fœða laun"_ is "child, give birth, reward," respectively, in old Norse. I tried my best.
> 
> You can follow me on Twitter at [@nicoIodeon](https://twitter.com/nicoIodeon) or on Tumblr at [andillwriteyouatragedy](http://andillwriteyouatragedy.tumblr.com/).


End file.
